Hello my wonderful blog readers. I know it’s been a while since a post has come out of my blog and I will admit, it’s been really crazy lately. I have a great opportunity to do a product review for eShakti again this year and they want to reward my readers with a great discount. I wrote a review last August http://becausemamasaidso.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/beautiful-inside-and-out/ for them and I can go ahead and tell you that I love their products. The quality of their clothing is unbeatable. I am so excited to do another review for them since I have lost 8 dress sizes since my last review. If you don’t do anything else, drop by their website www.eShakti.com and take a look. They can do sized dress from 0-36W or you can get custom-made. Take 8 different measurements, change the length of the skirt, sleeve style, and collar. Do one or all, up to you. Use this code BECSEMMSDS now thru 3/10/13 and get your new spring dress today.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.
As a kid growing up in the 80′s & 90′s, we read stories of how one day books would be obsolete and we could see people on the phone when we talked and we could even take or phones outside for a short distance if course. I remember this one short story of kids in an attic and they stumble across a book. They were mystified by it. They had only heard of a paper book. Books were only in museums and couldn’t be touched. I thought “that would NEVER be possible, ha ha ha!” As I’m writing this from a phone that has 3 different book apps.
I can remember we had penpals. You wrote in cursive the best you could, folded the paper a few times til it fit in an envelope, you licked this nasty tasting stuff, sealed it, addressed it, stamped it, mailed it. Then you waited for a week or so, depending on where it was mailed to, then maybe you would get a reply. In the mail. And you started the process all over again.
Then you had your local phone. It was most likely corded and you basically had only one in your house. You couldn’t see the number calling you, you couldn’t turn the loud ringing bell off and if you wanted to not be disturbed, you took it off the hook, it made this horrible “BEEP BEEP BEEP!” noise and then went dead. You didn’t call anybody in the next county even if they were 3 miles away. That’s long distance and cost a fortune.
Looking back now, I remember thinking I would never get out of my little small town much less interact with people in other places. I would never know what it was like in another county, state or much less, another country. I wouldn’t meet other people that had a very different background, culture or way of life. That I would always be stuck in the little country life town I was in.
Today, however, I have friends in state, across country and across the world. I have learned so much from our technology about people and cultures. I’ve spoke to a friend in Australia as I was going to bed and she was getting up. I have found friends, support and resources from all over the world.
I have an ereader for all my favorite books. I can carry as many books on it as my school library had on it’s shelves. I have the world wide web available to me on it and my phone at all times. Basically the world at my fingertips.
I have this phone where I can call anybody in the US and not pay extra. If I want to see them face to face, there’s an app for that. If I don’t want to talk, which most of you know, I don’t talk on the phone, ever, I text. I text everybody. If your busy, it’s ok, it’s just a text.
Then there is social media, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, list could go on and on. It brings family, friends and strangers together. They are places where you find out that your crazy cousin-in-law, twice removed jumped off a ship in the middle of the ocean to swim with the dolphins. Then you can see instant pictures, stats, police reports and read the obituary all within 15 minutes.
As promised, here is a quick update on how I am doing. I am still in A LOT of pain. This surprises me. I was hoping to be a very quick healing but it isn’t. I am having a hard time handing my home over to someone else to run. Different rules and different consequences. I want to do all my normal activities but it’s hurting me. I am in a drug fog and think that I am bullet proof. This turns into more pain when it wears off. Next day or so, I’m not going to do anything much besides be in bed.
I hope everybody else is having a good holiday whether christian, jewish or any other belief. As for us, Merry Christmas
This post is very personal and will be long. It will involve my condition that I have had since I was a teenager and certain physical ailments. I will be referring to female reproduction for this post. You are warned…
Tomorrow at 9:30 am est, I will be checking into the outpatient services at my local hospital. I will be having my tubes cut, tied and cauterised, a tubal ligation. I will also have an ablation while there, simple procedure. What I didn’t know that I was going to have to have is a D&C. You see, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS. In simple terms, I do not ovulate and I do not have periods. I can’t tell you all the things that comes with having PCOS other than what I just said, being unable to have children, having thick dark hair all over, tremendous weight gain, sugar resistance and the list goes on. I’m not here to tell you about my syndrome but about my emotional side of this.
When I was 14, I was told by my OB that I would never have any children. My body just didn’t ovulate and without that, no pregnancy. I had ALWAYS wanted kids. I was my Mom’s baby and my Daddy’s only. I wanted a big family when I got older. Doctors didn’t know why at that time why my body did or didn’t do what a female body was suppose to. It didn’t have a name back then.
As I got older, I got married and instantly wanted a family. My same doctor wouldn’t talk to me about fertility the first year I was married but after that, we began intense treatments. Nothing worked. (Thank God for unanswered prayers) My marriage was never a good one. A story for another day but after 8 years, I was never able to get pregnant.
My husband now knew of my infertility and looked past it although he wanted children as bad as I did. I had began planning on adoption after my divorce and moving forward with my current husband. Months into our relationship, I started getting really sick. I went to the doctor and I was 4 months pregnant. It was impossible but I was pregnant. Since that first positive test, I have had 3 more positives. 3 girls and a boy. We are a family of 6. The large family I have ever dreamed about.
With the brief cliff notes history behind this post I will get down to what I want to say.
I have spent my life labeled infertile. I do not have many of the normal traits that a woman has. A woman’s fertility is her right to womanhood. I did not have that right. If you’re a guy and don’t want to deal with the details, you can leave here til the next paragraph. I don’t have periods, not that I am complaining about that, but without them, you can’t have children typically. I have body hair that is thick and dark. Mostly when I was younger, not now. I had laser treatments on my face to treat that hair. I am overweight and have been most of my life. All these things add up to “not being a woman”. I felt so broken. I was not a woman in any sense of the matter. I have faced friends and family going through the rites of womanhood with fierce jealousy. I looked at beautiful women and wished so hard that I could just be a woman, fertile and beautiful.
Once I had my first “miracle” child, I felt better but not exactly woman. Doctors all said the same thing. Pregnancy once was just a hiccup and not to ever expect to get pregnant again. Then second “miracle” came along, then third and now fourth.
I am fertile
I am woman
I can bear children
Now I have made this decision to take all that away. I will be honest and tell you that I am fixing to be 38 and I feel too old to be having more children. I also feel 4 is plenty for our family. I have made the decision to take the woman out of me, in a sense of speaking. Something I have fought so long and hard for, I am giving up. It isn’t something that I could ever explain to somebody that has never faced these issues. I am mourning the loss of my fertility. I see myself as “old and dried up” cause only old people have this done. It hurts to know that I will no longer bear another child. My life is dedicated to my family in all aspects. This includes any unborn child that could have been.
My body has had its share of stress and I know in my head that this is the right decision. The only decision. But my heart is screaming in protest. It aches for things it doesn’t know anything about. My heart is so full of anger towards my head. My head is calling my heart stupid and to grow up. It is such a struggle between the two. I have no words to explain this for everybody to understand. I’m not sure anybody could ever understand this loss but me. To me this is a life loss. I don’t want to give up my fertility. I don’t want to think about the “what if’s” in the future. I’m not sure I could ever willing surrender completely to this decision no matter how much I know it’s the best decision.
I am mourning my life, my fertility, my womanhood and any unborn that may ever be. It is a selfish thought and I will be ok with that right now. I have that right. Without this surgery, several other factors with my syndrome come into play and my future health is at stake. I will not risk what I have for what could be.
This post is personal. I know it’s hard to read with understanding. It is something that I need to get out. Thank you for your patience and just considering my loss no matter how significant.
I started this blog a year ago! My how time has flown and so many changes. Good, Bad, OK, Not so OK. I have survived my 4th pregnancy. Had to receive the news of my Mom’s lung cancer 10 days before my due date. Made the very hard decision of inducing labor early to be able to go to my Mom in her time of need. I had a tumor removed and suffered from 3 counts of MRSA infections in the 6 months that my son has been born. I thought I was going to have to give up the bonding of breastfeeding during this time. (I didn’t have to) and still take care of my family of 6 in all of this. I have started losing all my baby weight from the last 7 years of childbearing. 25lbs so far with 25 more to go. Hub’s job has moved across the county to another store. He is almost an hour away now. He doesn’t have the stress from the older store but now he has the stress of travel and never being home anymore. We have paid off our house and now trying to finish all our little projects that just kept getting put on hold.
With all this going on, I really miss blogging here and I am making a commitment to you and to myself that I will begin to blog more. Even if it’s just a few words to check in. I am going to get back to normal if that is even possible. I do most of my blogging from my phone and the computer version of WordPress confuses me. Hopefully, after Christmas, I can score a cheap laptop so I can work late night while everybody is in bed. I have a lot of expectations for me and my family. Putting my commitment there and then coming here to share.
I look forward to a whole new year from here….
I look at my children and wonder where time went. My oldest will be 8 soon and my youngest is trying hard to crawl. I can’t remember all of the pieces of their lives because of pain but I’m fully aware now. I get caught up in stupid things like TV and social media. I worry about non-important stuff when my kids are right in front of me growing up. I remind myself that they are only mine for a moment. In this very moment, my child is learning something either with me or without me. I see these kids as self thriving little people but they aren’t. They still depend on me. I have to stop and see them for the small children they are. This moment is all we have. In the next second, it’s history and I can’t get that back. This moment could be a good memory or a bad memory. You can decide which 99% of the time if you just take a moment to realize the impact. My children want more moments, they need more moment with just me. I’m going to be that mommy. I’m going to live for that moment with my children. I’m going to seize the small, tiny moment and make it special. Not only for them but for me too. I love my children more than life and would do anything to make them happy, sustainable people in this world. I may be giving up something I enjoy and my way of disconnecting but I think once I see the moments in clear details, I will no longer want to disconnect. I will engage in these tiny moments because they are gone so fast and one they are gone, that’s it. No do-overs. Take a second and look in your yard. You see a rock? My kids see a beautiful stone that has mystical powers and can build tall castles and defend them from evil sorcerers. All I see is a rock. I want to see the magic like they do. It’s all in the moment. Do I want to take that moment to see the mystical stone or just keep blowing off the rock?
I’m taking the moment…